Bored Talk: Volume 18 “Old Man Winter and Dumbas…”
“Old Man Winter and Dumbas…”
I was going to sit down and write something that would attempt to entertain the readers of Bored Talk today; entertaining you guys shouldn’t be that difficult if I put my mind to it…you are, after all, a kind audience. In the past you seemed to enjoy most of my scribblings and this one should have been no different. But, as I tried to gather my thoughts, I was distracted by a couple of irritating aggravations.
Number one is, it’s so c-c-c-cold! I know, it’s early January and it should be cold, but, good lord, enough is enough! I was driving down the interstate last night and my car creaked and complained like an old man on a cold morning before the fire is stoked up. As I motored on down the highway I was passed by an 18 wheeler and I swear it was shivering in the frigid wind and I think I heard it lamenting that fact to my chattering car. It’s cold!
The number two irritating aggravation that kept yours truly from entertaining you with his witty pen follows. I went to the gas station to buy some kerosene to fuel my auxiliary heater…the Cedar Brook gets a bit airy. To start with, again, it was so dang cold that my nipples were picking holes in my shirt! I pulled into the parking spot right in front of the kerosene pump and beside me was a woman sitting in her car and talking on her wireless phone, not a big deal, I was doing the same thing. The lady went inside the store a minute or so later and as she went in a young man was coming out. This brings me to irritation number two. This guy’s pants were hanging so far off of his (pardon me, but this must be stated this way for effect)… ass that, I swear, he could have taken a pee through the barn door of his nasty boxers without opening his fly! The pants were so far down his legs that he had to walk like a bowlegged penguin just to keep them above his knees…it was pathetic! I was mesmerized, shocked, and thoroughly pissed off. I wished to the sky that he would trip and go rolling down the parking lot…Dumbass!
For number three on the list of irritating aggravations all I had to do was go inside to pre-pay for the kerosene. I approached the counter just as the aforementioned lady was paying for a case of Natural Light. This is a big cube of beer and she was a petite woman with a giant purse, like a mail carrier’s bag, her hands and arms were full, but….she was still on the phone! She never stopped talking! Beer, purse, wallet (and she was trying to make perfect change) with the tiny phone held between her shoulder and the ear on the side of her cocked, bleach blond head, her leg held up like Captain Morgan to support the beer which she used as a support for the abysmal bag that held the wallet she was scrounging through, she was excruciatingly slow… and she never stopped talking! Again, I stood in amazement and was thoroughly pissed…Dumbass!
This is the fourth and final irritating aggravation. After enduring all of the above, I had to use the kerosene pump, sort of a midget version of the gas pump, which was placed just outside the giant window- door of the gas station/convenience store for “convenience”……Right? No! It is there for one reason and one reason only!… so that everyone inside and outside the building can watch the hapless pumper as he tries to find a way to contort his body and arms to twist and turn the pump handle to make it possible to actually get the nozzle, which is at the end of an abbreviated hose (which looks like some kind of 8 inch vestigial tail hanging off of the Lilliputian pump), to fit into the Kerosene “can” which is not a can at all, but rather, a large, blue, plastic container or maybe it’s a jug. What-the-hell difference does it make now? Because, I’m standing there in the blistering-cold night air with two neat little holes picked in my shirt, looking like some Rube Goldberg concoction with my convoluted arms and legs splayed out and entwined with the “tail” hose and the cartoon-like, giant pump handle, which is just barely reaching the big, blue jug-can as I’m trying to look around behind myself to see the gallons counter so that I don’t go over the amount that I stood in line behind cell phone lady and pre-paid for! Not to mention that both the Dumbasses were still in the parking lot, one yapping like a hyena into her phone and the other trying to wash the windows of his car with one hand while holding his pants up with the other!
I’m sorry, faithful readers, but you can blame my failure to entertain you with this edition of Bored Talk on Old Man Winter and Dumbasses!