My Irritations, Aggravations and Inspirations

NaBloPoMo: March 24, 2010 “Hogs and Dogs”

March 24, 2010  “Hogs and Dogs”
A word of warning to the reader:  I am about to go off on a rant so the language might get slightly crude, but only slightly.  I promise.
As most of you now know, I live here in my, generally, quiet modular hamlet, otherwise known as a trailer park.  Not a bad place to live for a person of my situation and ilk.  Most of the neighbors, eleven or twelve of them all told, are relatively cordial and quiet.  I only know two of them by name, they are the elderly couple that live just by me, you know, the ones that I wrote about in a previous post…the man that decided to tell me about the water leak I didn’t know I had, three weeks after he discovered it!  Anyway, they, I’ll call them Boris and Natasha, have lived here in the hamlet the longest and I am the second most senior resident.  In the nearly thirteen years I’ve lived here I have had some interesting and irritating neighbors. Like the young guy, Orange Truck Guy, across the parking area that constantly worked on his old P.O.S. Dodge truck; hammering and banging, starting and revving, opening the hood and slamming shut the hood, driving down the road, coming back, and parking and starting the whole process all over again.  This would happen two or three times a week and could go on for a day or two at a time.  The whole time Orange Truck Guy was mechanic-ing there would be other people visiting and talking and looking over into the engine compartment of the dull orange jalopy, offering advice and sometimes even turning a wrench; it was like it was what people came there to do…” I feel like getting black with grease and grime, I know, I’ll go over and work on Orange Truck Guy’s truck, I know he’ll be out there banging away at it”.  So they would come.  One of his buddies, Lawn Mower guy, who lives right here in the hamlet, about 100 yards away, visited him often, not to help beat on the engine of the dull orange Dodge truck, oh no, he didn’t help in the noise making at all.  Lawn Mower guy felt that he could best add to the ruckus by riding his loud-ass lawn mower over two or three times a day!  Couldn’t walk the hundred steps on a nice summer evening…nope, not him, the lazy bastard would start up an old worn out lawn mower and drive it over…. RAAAAAAAHM-BA-BUM-BUM-BUUM…RAHMMMMM…sputter, sputt, sputter, smoke belching and exhaust firing off like firecrackers …RAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!; all to go 300 feet on a nice summer evening.  Recently Orange Truck Guy’s orange truck burned to a cinder. But, guess what… not to be daunted in his quest for the ultimate aggravating noise, he was out there the other morning where the orange truck was always parked, (but isn’t any more because he is obviously not a very good mechanic and he burned down his truck) banging away at some nearly melted truck wheels!
Now, I like dogs.  I don’t LOVE dogs but I like them just fine.  I enjoy other people’s dogs and I’m glad they love them and have them for whatever reasons they choose.  Let me also say, I LOVE motorcycles.  I’ve owned a few over the years and if I were in a different situation there would be one out on the drive right now.  I’ve never owned a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. I like them just fine as long as they aren’t too loud, but those are rare…if you have a Harley (HOG) then, nine times out of ten, something in your brain says “Hey, this thing would be way better if it was LOUD! REALLY EFFING LOUD, DUDE!!! LIKE A JET ENGINE EXPLODING, YA KNOW!!!” I’ve never owned a dog either….but my imbecilic neighbors do!
One has a Hog and the other has a dog.  A great big loud Hog and an itty-bitty yapping dog.  I know this because I hear them…both of them…in the middle of the night!  The dog guy lets his yapper out in the wee hours and as quick as the little paws touch terra firma it starts…yap, yap, yap-yap, yap-yap-yap…………..yap! This will go on for up to an hour….at 1AM or 3AM, ya never know when the little yappin bastard will start and you would think that he would have to stop to breath or to take a piss, but NO! he just keeps on yapping….if I only had a silenced rifle…the little SOB would yap his yap!
Then comes the moron with the Hog, and I mean MORON!  At utterly random times I hear in the distance BLOMM…BLOMM….BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHMMM….
BLOMM…..BLOMM! and then silence….then suddenly…BLOMM, BLAAAAAAAAAAAHM, BLOMM!  The moron with the hog is up at 2AM or maybe 7AM or 3:45PM or 11PM, you never know, but you can count on it happening once or twice a week and sometimes for several days, nights, and mornings in a row.  I don’t know what he’s doing; I never hear him go anywhere…he just starts the damn thing up and sits and revs it for a while, shuts it off and then starts it again…over and over and over.  I awake from some sweet dream in the middle of the night…in a rage to BLOM-BLOM-YAP-YAP-YAP, BLAAAAAAAHM-BLOM-BLYAP….DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT &^%@@$%^&**(*&)#!$^& ……SOMEBODY HAND ME MY RIFLE, I’M GONNA SHOOT THE DOG AND THE HOG, &$^(*%$##@#% !!!!!!!!!!
Just Say’n

2 responses

  1. I know where you are coming from…I have a slightly different situation with a next door neighbour. Two years ago I moved into this house, everything was quiet and nothing better than waking up in the morning, having a mug of coffee outside on the patio!! Last August the owner of the block of land next to me started building….now these days it does not take more than 4 to 5 months for a house to be finished, right? Unfortunately he is man alone on the job (owner builder and give him credit, I take my hat off for doing it all alone) From 6.30am EVERY GODDAMN MORNING all you can hear is nailguns and hammers, even on a Saturday. I am so thankfull for Sundays these days!! This morning my neighbour accross the road locked herself out so she came asking for help. I did not have a tall enough ladder to get to the top storey of her house and we had to ask Mr. Nailgun to help!! I thought it to be very appropriate timing to ask how long he thinks the job is going to take….ONLY TO BE INFORMED UNTIL THE END OF NEXT YEAR!!!! Now I always thought of myself as a people lover and have compassion for all mankind….but in this instance….I SAY… SHOOT THE F@#$&&G BASTARD!!!!!!!!

    March 24, 2010 at 11:16 pm

  2. Just too funny! What about the neighbor who begins mowing his yard on a Sunday afternoon while others try to nap?????????

    March 25, 2010 at 7:53 am

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