My Irritations, Aggravations and Inspirations

June 26, 2010 “Calling all poets and fools…HELP!”

June 26, 2010   “Calling all poets and fools…HELP!”

As a writer, I cannot help but write about personal feelings and experiences, especially since I’m a terrible fiction writer.  I do write about things from my life, but I keep it in mostly general terms.  Anyone who knows me is aware that I do not like to play out my personal life on this blog. I have always tried to keep all the close personal stuff…close and personal.

What I’m about to share with my readers is very personal.  On June 14, I said I wanted to start writing what I feel, without reticence.   Little did I know, I would be sitting in this chair twelve days later about to lay my heart out on this white sheet.

I do not let my emotions get the best of me.  For 14 years I have not let anyone get close enough to my heart to break it.  I have controlled my relationships and kept my heart out of them, at least at a safe distance, for fear of exposure and pain…until now.  I don’t know exactly how it happened, I don’t care.  But, somehow, some way, the woman I have dreamed of for most of my adult life found me, or we found each other, and my life is altered forever.  I have kept such close rein on my heart for all these years, not letting myself get too involved, saying what needed to be said, doing what needed to be done to keep everyone happy.  I went through a marriage of over 4 years keeping that distance…I didn’t know what Love was.  Since then I have been in love relationships, but I didn’t give up the reins.  Then she showed up.  Innocently we got to know each other over this medium and chatting, and then video chatting.  Simply getting to know each other.  (I know that many of you will think I’m crazy, that we’re crazy, but I could not care less…this is more real than anything I have ever felt.)
Eventually, inevitably, we fell in Love with each other.  This is the Love I’ve imagined existed, but never knew.  It’s hard to explain, but she gives me wings.  She gives me hope.  She gives me faith.  She takes my breath.  She fills me with a longing.  She makes me believe in the future.  She Loves me.
I love this woman…God in heaven…I Love her!
I have never been jealous before.  Never liked jealousy or jealous people…it’s a dangerous, slippery slope, and I stayed far away from it.  Now I find myself too close to the edge of the slope;  I’m jealous for her affection though it’s mine,  I’m jealous for her time though she gives me all she can,  I’m jealous, and I’m failing her because of it.  It’s not crazy jealousy, but more like I have found this wonderful woman and I can’t get enough of her.  I think I’m holding on a little too tightly.  I have given her power over me though she didn’t ask it.  This is all so foreign to me.  I’m trying to control myself and not let my foolish little jealousies ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I had a very bad day yesterday, and in my state of angst and insecurity I started feeling sorry for myself, and when that happened I missed her terribly…couldn’t have her, and got myself a little whining fit, vented my frustration, not to her, or at her, but in a way and a place that was foolish.  I’m to blame for my own fool hearted actions.  I fear that she will grow weary of a man that cannot do better than this, and to think she was weary of me would kill me.
I don’t know what to do, so I’m asking all of you poets, and dreamers, and fools in love to help me with your poetry, comments, advice, or heck, a good swift kick in the ass if you think I need it.  I have already developed a taste for my own feet and the occasional dish of crow…  I’ll endure any hardship for this woman’s Love. Please help!
The song below sums up the way I feel about her perfectly…I wish I had a stage, I would sing it to the world!
I’m shameless when it comes to you Ms. ……………

Just Begg’n

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5 responses

  1. Turbo Ghost

    The pain that shan’t bleed
    Doth the loving heart feed
    And the hunger that grows
    The wise and fools know
    Doth succor our eternal need

    At perfection we fail
    Both female and male
    Tis failure that shows us the way
    As we travel the trail
    That leads to the veil
    Uncovered; our suffering allays

    June 26, 2010 at 7:26 am

    • Well said, Turbo…I like this. Thanks for the comment.

      June 27, 2010 at 6:15 pm

  2. M

    Dont let your “jealousy” ruin your relationship! It’s like, “At last, you finally met each other.” So be grateful and do anything you can to love each other deeply, honestly and passionately. Thank you for this entry, it made me realize that it’s never too late to find “the one” who you really dream about.

    thank you!

    July 1, 2010 at 4:35 am

  3. Janessa

    Just read this, so I’m probably a little behind, but I can feel your angst in this. I get it…It as though you crave it….crave the touch and the look, crave the silent knowing you can share….crave closeness and instant understanding of who you are and who she sees that you can be. Crave that feeling of being complete. Maybe it’s not jealousy….maybe you’re just jonesin’ a bit. Love is a beautiful addiction. Just sayin’ 🙂

    July 4, 2010 at 7:02 am

    • Thank you, Janessa. You do get it; it’s simply a sweet little addiction that can just stop you dead in your tracks when you can’t get your fix.
      Thanks for reading and for the comment.
      Love Ya!

      Just Say’n

      July 4, 2010 at 8:23 am

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