My Irritations, Aggravations and Inspirations

July 20, 2010 “The Minivan”

“The Minivan”

I wish I had a photo.  I should have taken a picture; my camera was in the seat next to me, but I didn’t.  It would have helped you grasp so much better the story I’m about to unfold for you.
As is too often the case, this evening found me on lunch break at my tedious and less than fulfilling (but it almost pays the bills) job again, sitting in my car in line at Micky D’s.
Yes, this is another Drive-Thru Diatribe!

I pull up behind a fellow in a nice pearl-white Cadillac Escalade.  In front of the Cadi was a Minivan pulling up to the order menu thing to talk into.  I’m thinking, “This is good, I’ll be through here in a jiff.”  What was I thinking?  It’s a blanking minivan!…and what is the main cargo of minivans…many minipeople!  Minipeople are great…I even had one once for a while, but we rode in a little black coupe.

The problem with minivans is, other than the minuscule cargo, they are piloted by, albeit well meaning and responsible, yet cluelessly undaunted,  mommies and daddies. Don’t get me wrong, these are professional pilots…they have to be dedicated pros, (though, again, cluelessly undaunted ones), to attempt such a labor as packing a passel of petite peoplings in a modern powered perambulator.  This is an undertaking to be entered into with the soberness of a judge, the patience of Job, two ibuprofen, and a valium.  I proclaim that, even though he slew the Lernaean Hydra, obtained the Girdle of the Amazon Queen (not really too difficult, heck, I think I have one or two girdles from Amazon Queens here somewhere), and cleaned the Augean Stables, Hercules himself would have failed at the Twelve Labours had one of them been to ferry half a dozen minipeople through the McDonald’s Drive-Thru…in a minivan!

I digress.  My story is not about the myriad munchkins in the minivan, but about the witless woman piloting said van. She pulls up to the menu order thing to talk into at 7:06 PM, her left arm hanging out the drivers window, gesturing as she gets the orders from the other occupants of the van.  Of course there was no discussion pertaining to what the hungry little humans in the back might want prior to the van stopping at the menu thing, none at all, never is, in my experience…her head is turned to the rear view mirror as the orders from the back are relayed forward…discussions ensue…decisions are tentatively made. She turns to face the menu order talk thing.  No, she doesn’t turn her head…she turns her entire body and leans out of the window on her elbows as if she is leaning onto a counter.  Both long-fingered hands are gesturing wildly, but I can tell she is ordering 1 of this, 1 of that, 3 of these, and two of those…no, make that 3 of those…the fingers of both hands flare out wide and wave from side to side with palms out to say, Whoa, wait a second! as she turns across her LEFT shoulder to receive an order update from the adult stationed immediately behind her…she returns to the “counter” and continues..4 of those, and 1 of these…make that one a small
(her thumb and forefinger held slightly apart to show the eyeless screen she means “small”), and something else which was a mysterious gesture, maybe a fly landed on her elongated hand, or the valium is wearing off.  At this gesture she turns to her LEFT again, this time to give the guy in the Escalade and me a good once-over, as if we are causing HER some kind of problem!  7:10 PM, she gets her fill of Cadillac guy and me, and turns her attention back to the screen, orders are placed and modified a number of times until finally it’s correct, and then one more read through of the order, which has to look like a short story written on the screen, …tic…toc…tic…toc, 7:11 PM…
The driver of the Escalade is having some kind of fit in his plush leather seat, and I could spit darts of pure vitriol in my ravenous rage…the woman swings back around to her proper position and pulls away to pay at 7:12 PM…oblivious to how close she was to becoming a headline in tomorrows news paper…the Escalade guy might have made her a physical resident of that tiny screen had it not been for the debilitating fit he was having.
As I pulled away from the Bag-O-Fat window with my precious Sweet Tea, I passed by the minivan as it was parked for the distribution of the goodies to all of the….THREE…ONLY THREE (two minis, and one full size) people in the back!…ahead of me the Escalade was weaving recklessly all over the parking lot as the gyrating driver counted the heads in the van too.

Just Say’n


17 responses

  1. It never fails to amaze me. I mean it’s a destination venue, right? You’d think they’d decide on the way there, or even before setting out …
    Hope the silly cow got indigestion.
    (Wish me luck, I’m doing it with 14 minipeeps on Saturday).

    July 20, 2010 at 1:04 am

    • Oh My God! 14? You are a hero of the highest order! God bless you, and the people in line behind you! 🙂

      Thanks for reading, Cindy.

      Tracy H

      July 20, 2010 at 1:14 am

  2. I laughed so much of what Cindy said above…hope the silly cow got indigestion!! You have told me many stories of this before cowboy, and it never cease to amaze me!! Cracked up about the fly!!??..You need a good woman to make you GOOD food…and never to return to these places ever again!!…Just Sharing:) 🙂 🙂

    July 20, 2010 at 1:11 am

    • Thanks, Red…it’s nearly every bit true too 🙂
      You S.A. girls are a wonderful lot!

      BTW…do you know a good woman who would cook GOOD food for me? 🙂

      Tracy H

      July 20, 2010 at 1:20 am

      • Sure Cowboy…Cindy is a master cook and in a wonderful competition right now…and me…I’ll cook for you to your heart’s delight!! That’s to say if you’ll settle for traditional hearty good food!! And you can write poems for me:) 🙂 🙂 Hugs x

        July 20, 2010 at 1:28 am

  3. Well…I can pen a poem if you can cook a quiche!

    Just Say’n 🙂

    July 20, 2010 at 1:48 am

  4. awesome job!
    your character comes to life,

    July 20, 2010 at 5:49 am

    • Thank you, Jingle, very much…You Rock!

      Tracy H

      July 20, 2010 at 10:08 pm

  5. i think i about passed out when i read 14 in the first coment…tracy i dont know what to say…you picked a bad time to go to the drive thru…lol.

    July 20, 2010 at 8:38 am

    • Brian, I’m afraid it’s my lot to be the guy behind all the nutty ones in this big drive-thru we call life…maybe that’s a good thing, because I’ll never get to the pay window 🙂

      Thanks much,
      Tracy H

      July 20, 2010 at 10:03 pm

  6. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. I’ve been there too many times. Your word play in this is phenomenal!

    July 20, 2010 at 9:26 am

    • Thanks for the compliment…I’m very glad you enjoyed my little torment:)
      Thanks for reading,
      Tracy H

      July 20, 2010 at 10:04 pm

  7. Janessa

    you crack me up….i have ZERO patience for people in drive-thrus. You would love being behind me in line…I literally memorize the way the cashiers say the orders just to expedite the process. For example – hot dog no onion add mayo, frenchie fry, plain tea 5 equal. Quick…simple…why in the world do people make it so complicated. And yes…if we ever go to Pal’s together, now you can order for me 🙂

    July 20, 2010 at 2:59 pm

  8. Okay . . . so I can barely type for laughing . . . What a a delectable rave … now I remember why I always packed a lunch. Thanks for the late-night giggles, Tracy! Wishing you a better lunch experience tomorrow . . . Well done piece!

    July 20, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    • Thanks, Jamie, I do treasure your comments.
      I need to get a lunch box…

      Tracy H

      July 20, 2010 at 10:06 pm

  9. I feel your pain, but I’m having trouble with much sympathy.

    First, contrary to popular belief, there is no genetic handicap that results in a man’s inability to turn out a good, nutritious and potentially delicious meal. “a good woman who would cook GOOD food for me” indeed.

    Second, Mickey D’s? I mean, seriously? You so had it coming.

    Just sayin’. 😉

    July 21, 2010 at 6:00 am

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